News and views from the heart of England - Issue 3    © David Smith 2018

Comments welcome:

I am serious; and don’t call me Shirley

“It’s not ‘is fault. ‘e could of been a judge or anything, but no teacher never learned ‘im nuffin’ at that school wot ‘e went to. Instead, them judges ‘ave put ‘im in prisons all ‘is life, when all ‘e was doing was trying to bring up ‘is three lovely lads to join him in his family business. I’m going to sue that old codger wot ‘it ‘im. You can’t go round smashing people with no frying pans when all they’re doing is trying to earn an honest living by stealing other peoples’ stuff. My brother Benny just got in wiv a bad crowd. ‘E’s the victim ‘ere.”

The BBC was talking to Brenda Thug, the younger sister of Benny Thug, currently in Plugborough Hospital, after a blow to the head with a frying pan. Thug, 32, of 15 Gas House Road, Plugborough, was confronted by the owner of the house, 79 year old pensioner Mr Hugh Blameless-Mann, after Thug had broken in. Police say the front door of the house at 23 Acacia Lane, Plugborough, had been levered open by Thug and an unknown accomplice, each wielding a length of iron drainpipe. On being confronted by the owner, whose sick wife was sleeping upstairs, Thug started to threaten Mr Blameless-Mann with a screwdriver. While the accomplice ran upstairs to look for valuables, Mr Blameless-Mann backed into the kitchen, and is alleged to have grabbed a heavy frying pan from the stove, and swung it at Thug’s head, rendering him semi-conscious. The pan is now known to have contained 3 sausages, an egg, and a piece of black pudding. The pan and its contents are being examined by forensic officers.  The accomplice escaped, and is now being sought by Plugborough Police. Thug is recovering after minor head surgery, 36 stitches, burns, and severe concussion.

“It’s not his fault,“ said a neighbour. “All he was doing was trying to protect his own house and look after his sick wife, who has been ill with a dicky gall bladder for the past month. This man broke in, threatened Hugh with a screwdriver, frightening him badly, in his own home. Who did the police arrest when they turned up? Not the burglar for breaking and entering and threatening behaviour, that’s for sure. No, they arrested Hugh. It’s not right, and I’m going to take this matter up with my local MP”

Police were called to the scene after a concerned neighbour called 999, and promptly arrested Mr Blameless-Mann for grievous bodily harm, while apologising to Mr Thug for Mr Blameless-Mann’s thoughtless and anti-social behaviour.

“We are not at fault in this case,” the Chief Commissioner of Plugborough Police Service stated at the press conference. He went on the say that his staff were obliged to consider all sides of the situation, before arresting violent homeowners rather than potentially harmless perpetrators of minor, trivial intrusion and mildly threatening behaviour, especially if they are possessed of clean and unblemished records.

It now transpires that Benny Thug has lived a life of crime. He has never held down a regular job. He left school at the age of 13, after a string of suspensions and removals for bad behaviour and violence in class, to work in his father’s scrap metal firm, along with his five uncles. He has spent many years in prison. The sister’s lament that Benny got in with a bad crowd is certainly true, but the police have long had their eyes on the Thug family for a string of robberies as well as scams against very vulnerable elderly men and women in the area.

“It’s not young Benny’s fault, “ claimed Jack Classwar, the Labour MP. “We are all trying to create a fair and just society which finds a safe space for people of all classes and colours, as long as they are not rich Tory scum or belonging to some outlandish religious group. The very fact that Benny was forced into a life of crime just goes to show how these heartless right-wing government cuts are affecting the very poorest and most vulnerable in our society. When Labour form the next government we will make sure that victims like the Benny Thugs of this world are treated as equal citizens, and given every opportunity to live a full and sharing life, and we will do this by squeezing every last penny out of the rich in the form of carefully and fairly targeted taxation and massive amounts of government borrowing, paid for by future generations of those same rich Tory scum and dishonest bankers living off the backs of honest citizens like Benny Thug...“ “...What’s that – what about poor Mr Blameless-Mann? Whose home was broken into and his sick wife frightened out of her wits? Well, the future Labour government, in true Socialist tradition, doesn’t believe in the concept of private property, but believes everybody should live in identical drab concrete tower blocks owned by the government and paid for out of the proceeds of monopolistic, uncompetitive nationalised industries!! So come the revolution, in a perfect, equal, just, and fair society, Mr Blameless-Mann wouldn’t have a house of his own, so nobody would have broken into it and burgled him, would they? A cruel and heartless crime certainly has been committed here, and poor Benny Thug is the victim of it. Mr Blameless-Mann is a Tory party member, so it serves him right. We will eliminate these cruel injustices! The Labour Party, under our glorious leader’s divine guidance, is going to make a society for the Benny, not the Hugh!”


(Surely you can’t be serious! You can’t use such an outrageous pun. It’s criminal! This article will NOT be included in this issue. Ed.)