News and views from the heart of England - Issue 3    © David Smith 2018

david.plugpress@btinternet.com

Potholes

You may remember the last issue of Plugborough Press, where we reported on the revolutionary diet scheme introduced by Dr V Thin at Plugborough Hospital. Fat people were being recommended to lie in bed longer in the morning, watching golf on television. This would result in severe boredom, more sleep, and, as a result, they would have less time to eat sugary and fatty foods, and would lose weight.

In the fast moving, not to say trendy, world of diet and weight loss, things are progressing. In the UK reports have been put out that the National Association for Social Temperance and Youthfulness is recommending that, in order for people to lose weight, potholes in roads and pavements should be filled in. This is of particular relevance in the UK this spring. The long, cold winter has resulted in huge numbers of potholes in the nation’s roads and pathways. Apparently, people are put off exercise because roads and pathways are too rough and unpleasant to walk on, let alone run or cycle on. NASTY claim that if the potholes were filled in, people would - suddenly, miraculously - have the urge to exercise more, and lose weight. It’s true! Perhaps smooth and unbroken roads and pavements are all the inner, thin self is crying out for! At last! Now, with smooth and unblemished surfaces, I can get the healthy exercise I have been denying myself for all these years, without all the effort of avoiding those nasty holes in the road.

Professor Gethin-Quickly, consultant nutritionist at Plugborough Hospital – and a colleague of the aforementioned Dr Thin – disagrees with this assessment. “If people want to lose weight they’d be better advised to get off their backsides, get out there with a pick and shovel, and fill the damned potholes in themselves. At least they’d be getting some exercise, rather than just sitting watching golf. By the way, I watched this year’s Masters from start to finish. Didn’t Bunker-Green play well?”